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+--- Thread: Time for Jokes (/thread-time-for-jokes)
- ibrishah - 10-02-2005
An old couple visited a cinema once. Nadeem was loving the Heroine in his stylish way. All the hall was silent.
The wife ask his Husband if He could ever love her as Nadeem.
The Husband replied angrily " You know how much Nadeem is paid for doing this".
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
- ibrishah - 10-02-2005
According to Shaukat Thanvi
"When I started my Poetry I was very Young. After trying alot I prepeare a Ghazal and get it published in Magzine "Tirchii Nazar". One of the "SHAIR" in that Ghazal was
Humaisha ghair kii Izzat terai Mihfil mai hotii hai
Tairai kuchai mai jakar hum zalili-o-khwar howai
My Father get this Ghazal read in that Magzine. When he read the above mentioned "SHAIR" He become very angry and started shouting. He get that "SHAIR" heared by My Mother and Said
"Akhir is awara ghard ko udher janai ki Zarorat kiyon paish atii hai. Khwa makhwa Zalili-o-Khwar hota hi kiyon hai."
Mother in order to cool My Father replied that
"Akhir bacha hi to hai Ghalti sai chala ghiyan hogha. Abb mai mana karonghi to phir kabhi oss kochai mai nahi jayaigha."
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- ibrishah - 10-03-2005
A teacher was delivering Lecture to the students about Akhter Shirvani.
He said "Yai Akhter Sahib ki sab sai bari Khuishthi kai woo appni mehboba kai lanmbai lambai balloon sai tapaktaihowai Sharab kai qatrai piyai".
A naughty student replied "Sir, balloon mai to Juaii b hotai hai aghar kahi woo b sath ajatai toooo...!"
Teacher said " Akhter sahib ki Khwaish appnai mehboba kai liyai thi app ki mehboba kai liyai nahi."
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- Moon - 10-05-2005
An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
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If you are a politician then you are a lier, but if you are a lier you may not be a politician!
- Moon - 10-05-2005
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
Q How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Q Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A Because he's Haydn!
Q What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A A Chopin Liszt.
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If you are a politician then you are a lier, but if you are a lier you may not be a politician!
- Moon - 10-05-2005
This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
That completes the test!
This question tests your reasoning ability. So...
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling potatos. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.
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If you are a politician then you are a lier, but if you are a lier you may not be a politician!
- ibrishah - 10-06-2005
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That
will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
<b><u>Moral of the story</b></u><b> Women are clever. Don't mess with them!</b>
<b><font color="red"><u>Attention female readers</b></font id="red"></u> <b><font color="red"> This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!</b></font id="red">
<b><u><font color="green">Male readers</b></u></font id="green"><b> Please scroll down.</b>
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
<b><u>Moral of the story</b></u><b> Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!</b>
<b> PS If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!</b>
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- ibrishah - 10-06-2005
Try the trick below for some hilarious fun!
Call an unknown phone number and ask, "Bashir hai kya?"
{Whoever picks up the phone} will say, " No wrong number".
Again call after five-min, "Bashir hai kya?"
She will reasonably be annoyed and say, "No this is wrong number".
Again call, "Bashir aa gaya kya?"
She will say, "Aap ka dimaagh kharaab hai kya?! Kiyun peechhay paday ho?!"
Again call after five-min, " Bashir ko phone dena."
She will cry with all âgaaleeesâ.
Then you just drop the phone.
Call after another five-min, "Main Bashir bol raha hoon, mera koi
phone to nahi aya na?
{Aaj aik call aur kar lo, kiya pata...kal ho na ho!}
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- ibrishah - 10-06-2005
<b>3 Magical Words...</b>
When you are counting all your friends, the oldest, best and the new..
I would like to stand by your side and say 2 little words "ME TOO"
Give "laugh" to all ..But "smile" to one
Give "love" to all...But "heart" to one
Let everybody "love" u...But u "love" one.
If you say RUN, I'll ask "how far?"
If you say SWIM, I'll ask "how deep?"
If you say JUMP, I'll ask "how high?"
If you say GO AWAY, I'll say "NO WAY" u r my friend I'll "stay"
I'd love to take you dinner, sit by the candlelight, and whisper those
three magical words ..
Scroll Downâ¦â¦â¦.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
<b>"PAY THE BILL"</b>
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- Moon - 10-06-2005
A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"
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If you are a politician then you are a lier, but if you are a lier you may not be a politician!
- iahmad - 10-06-2005
Jao tum! Theek hai Chali jao
Mai nay tumhain bohat sataya hai
Mager Tum bhi kissi say kam nahi ho
Mai to shehroon ki musafat per tha
Aur phir tumharay shehar mai ajnabi tha
Ghamoon ka ik pahar tha ser per aur
Mera haal ajeeb sa tha
Jab jatay huay uss nay mur ker poocha kay "Mai Jaon.....?"
- iahmad - 10-06-2005
Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.
Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Nancy said, "I received a raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for just 500 bucks, although I was charging all the other guys in the office one thousand. That's when he jumped out the window."
- ibrishah - 10-06-2005
<b>Mistakes on a resume</b>
These are from actual resumes
"Personal I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents 40."
"Marital Status Often. Children Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 845 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as ****roaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES
"Please call me after 530 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING
"Education College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- ibrishah - 10-07-2005
This particular joke won the award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain and it was sent by an Indian...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent,
and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Someone has stolen our tent".
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.
- ibrishah - 10-07-2005
<b>The Sourav Ganguly jokes</b>
Shoaib Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest," he says, "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."
Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.
Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. "As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. I must have broken world records a few times in this series in getting padded up," says the Indian wicketkeeper.
Q Any guess which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A Gone in 60 seconds.
Railways keen on Ganguly At least we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.
Q Which was the hottest place in the Chinnaswamy Stadium for the past few days?
A The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the dressing room.
Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.
__________________________________________________
<b>ICC changes Rules to bring Ganguly back to Form - Ganguly Bashing</b>
The following are some of the ideas for Ganguly to regain form and stay in the middle for a longer duration.(subject to approval by I.C.C)
IDEA NO1 Plastic Ball or Tennis Ball or Rubber Ball to be used while bowling to Ganguly.
IDEA NO2 Only one stick should be kept while Ganguly is Batting instead of Three so that his chances of getting out bowled will be minimised
IDEA NO3 Dada can wrap up his legs with 4 or 5 bats instead of pads, so that there is no chance of getting out lbw.
IDEA NO4 The size of the ball can be reduced to the size of a lemon or size of his bat can be increased to twice its size. Or the size of the ground can be decreased to that of a Basketball Ground.
IDEA NO5 Fast Bowlers are prohibited to bowl the following deliveries to Dada. They should not bowl Inswinger,Outswinger,Off cutter, Leg cutter,Bouncer,Short Pitched Ball, Reverse swinging ball, yorker,reverse swinging yorker,slower ball and most importantly in and around the off stump corridor.
IDEA NO6 Slow Bowlers are prohibited from bowling off spin,leg spin,doosra,googly,china man,flipper,faster ball.
IDEA NO7 Speed restrictions for bowlers FAST BOWLERS MAX 120 KMPH SLOW BOWLERS MAX 50 KMPH.
IDEA NO8 Fast bowlers in their runup should run like Mohinder Amarnath and slow bowlers should not run at all.
IDEA NO9 Ganguly can change his position as medium fast bowler instead of Batsman and bat at no11, so that by the time he enters the ground 48 or 49 overs would have been bowled.
IDEA NO10 I.C.C Should warn Pakistan Bowlers that hereafter any bowler taking Dada's wicket, the number will not be added to the bowler's tally of wickets.
IDEA NO11 Bowlers should not appeal for dismissal of Ganguly. Even a small appeal (not necessarily loud appealing or excessive appealing) will lead to match refereee Chris Broad suspending the bowler for the rest of the series.
IDEA NO12 Fast Bowlers should only throw the ball and slow bowlers should use underarm throw.
IDEA NO13 Even after this if Ganguly gets out, the bowler will be called a chucker and new rule for bowling action, i.e.( 2 degrees bending of bowling arm allowed for fast bowlers and 3 degrees bending of bowling arm for slow bowlers) will be taken into account and the bowler will be immediately sent to Australia by next flight for corrective action.
IDEA NO14 No fielder should catch the ball hit by Dada. If they catch, then any of the opening batsman who got out earlier, like virender shewag will be allowed to bat for second time.
IDEA NO 15 For every minute Dada stays in the middle, one run will be added to his score and if the ball hits the bat and travels to the following places, runs will be credited to Dada as follows. Slip,Gully,Forward Short Leg 1 run Mid on,mid off, cover,point 2 runs long on,long off,fine leg,third man 3 runs.
and finally if Dada's wicket is taken before he reaches 50 runs all pakis will be fined 50% of their match fees
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It is not an achievement to make thousand friends aday but the achievement is to make one friend for thousand years.