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+--- Thread: Jokes...... (/thread-jokes--1478)
Jokes...... - n/a6 - 12-29-2004
Lets Post here Some Jokes .....
Let Me Have a first chance...
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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- maani - 12-30-2004
Gates Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.
Gates(Confused) Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating) Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates By the year 2010 India should export computer chips.
Laloo We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy) do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Heavily Sweating) The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy) I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo I have exhausted all my leave.
Gates I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting. Please wait............."
Ace
- n/a6 - 12-31-2004
MBA & CA-- Very Funny
....>
> > An MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up
> their tent,and fell
> asleep.
> >
> > Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. "
> look up at the sky
> and
> > tell me what you see."
> >
> > The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
> >
> > "What does that tell you?"
> >
> > The MBA ponders for a minute. "Astronomically
> speaking, it tells me
> that
> > there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions of planets.
> > Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
> Time wise, it
> appears
> to
> > be approximately a quarter past three.
> Theologically, it's evident
> the
> Lord
> > is all-powerful and we are small and
> insignificant.
> Meteorologically, it
> > seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
> >
> > What does it tell you?"
> >
> > The CA is silent for a moment, then speaks.
> >
> > "Practically speaking ...Someone has stolen our tent".
>
>
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- Apocalypse - 12-31-2004
Thats a copy paste from this forum!
- farazthegreat - 12-31-2004
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Tahoma, Arial" id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
Thats a copy paste from this forum!
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Tahoma, Arial" size=2 id=quote>
Not necessarily, I've seen that joke in like ten different places.
-------------------------
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- maani - 12-31-2004
Difference between boys and girls while using ATM
(Bank's cash dispenser machines)
Boys
1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash
Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Girls
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)
in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake
47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she
was because of HIM.
Sorry girls, if u mind
Ace
- n/a6 - 12-31-2004
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Tahoma, Arial" id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
Thats a copy paste from this forum!
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Tahoma, Arial" size=2 id=quote>
No not a Copy Paste on this forum...... I dont know if its here but i just read it in some other place and thought to post it out here. thanks for correcting me though.........
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- n/a6 - 12-31-2004
Letter to BILL GATES
Dear Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have got a
computer in our home and we face some Problem, which I want to
bring to your notice.
After connecting to Internet we planned to open an email account.But when ever we fill the Form of Hotmail, in password field only comes. But in rest of the fields whatever we typed comes but we faced the problem only in Password field. We checked with Hardware vendor and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we have opened the email account with password *****. But I request u to check this as we our self don't know what is the password!!!.
The next one is that we are unable to enter anything after we
shut down the computer. There is a button for start but not for
pause, stop as in stereo recorder. We request u to add the same in future.
There is a option as RUN in menu. This one of my neighbor after
clicking started running and he has run up to Amritsar from
Chandigarh. So we request u change that to SIT. So that we can
click that by sitting.
One doubt is that can I click Re cycle bin. I own a scooter in my home. Is there a separate option as Re scooter bin available in the system?
In Microsoft outlook we are able to see the outer view of the
mail. Is there an in look through which we can have inner view of the mail?
The last one is my wife has lost the door key of our house. So I searched for the same in search option of start icon. But I did not find the same there also .Is it a bug?
Rest In next letter.
Yours Anonymously
Banta Singh.
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- maani - 12-31-2004
The most romantic first line and most unromantic second
1- Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
2- After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes
3- Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
4- I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
5- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
6- I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
7- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
8- Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space
9- I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy
10-My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
11-Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
12-What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
13-I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
14-My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
15-My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Ace
- maani - 12-31-2004
Ek din, mein dilli pahuncha, Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha, Coolie ne kaha bahar jaake poocho. Maine khud hi rasta doondh liya, Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha, "bhai saab Aagre ka kitna loge?" Jawab mila, "bechna nahi hai.." Taxi chhod, maine bus pakad li, conductor se pooncha, "ji.. kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?" Wo gurrra kar bola, "hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai" Maine kaha, "par wo janab to pi rahe hai!"
Phir se gurrrraya, "usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai" Aagre pahucha, hotel gaya. Manager se kaha, "mujhe room chahiye, satve manzil pe" Manager ne kaha, "rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?" Room pahucha, waiter se kaha, "ek paani ka gilas milega."
Usne jawab diya, "nahi sahab, yaha to saare kanch ke milte hai." Hotel se nikla dost ke ghar jaane ke liye, Raste me ek sahab se pooncha, "janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?" Janab hans kar bole, "peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon, yahi padi hai...."
Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk pada Usne poocha, "dilli kaise aana hua?" Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi, to maine bhi jawab diya,"Train se.." Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha,"areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai, uuse kuch taja taja khilao.." Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye. Kaha, "taji hawa kha lijiye." Dost ne phir se badi pyar se biwi se kaha, "areeee sunti ho...inhe jara apna chalis saal purana aachar to dikhana." Bhabiji ek batli me rakha aachar le aayi, Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha, "bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi....?" Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya, "yuhi agar sab ko chakhati to aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota..?" Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne pote ko soola rahi thi, Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi, "diploma so ja, diploma so ja." Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha, "yaar ye diploma kya hai?" Dost ne jawab diya, "mere pote ka naam, Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye aur saath mein ise le aayi, isiliye hamne iska naam diploma rakh diya." Phir maine pooncha, "aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?" Dost ne jawab diya, "bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye...."
Ace
- n/a6 - 12-31-2004
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test clean the floor. "You are engaged" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.
The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email".
I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email, which means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 lbs. tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60!.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late.
Thus, his money doubles or triples everyday. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chooses a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied ' I don't have an email'.
The broker replied curiously, you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!
The man thought for a while, and replied An office boy at Microsoft!
The moral of this story
M1-Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2- Even if you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can still be a millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire.
P.S. Do not reply to this email, I am going out to sell Tomatoes!!!
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- maani - 12-31-2004
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech
Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm
Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.
Ace
- maani - 12-31-2004
Fisherman
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motor boat.
Salesman
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
Economist
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
Mathematician
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
IT Consultant
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.
Business Man
Wife wanted for company.
Politician
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
Car Dealer
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.
Farmer
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
Lawyer
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
Pilot
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
Banker
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
Shair(Poet)
Bari muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai,
Key hum bhe shaadi shooda ho jaayeh,
Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka...............
Joh kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon .........
Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.
Accountant
Required a girl - 5'8". She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.
Sharabi (Drinker)
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar(home). Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.
Mini Cab Driver
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but maps reading skills are a bonus.
Beggar
Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey, Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey, Allah terah bhalla karray, Tujhey eik key badlay doh dey dey, Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!
Builder
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
Doctor
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
Army Commando
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
Race Car Driver
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!
Astronaut
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
Ace
- n/a6 - 01-01-2005
This is a warning for women planning to marry software engineers in the form of a conversation between a husband (software engineer) and his wife. Look before you leap!!!
SCENE A wife is waiting for her husband who is a software engineer. After
some time, the husband arrives.
HUSBAND (Opening the door and entering in) Hi dear! I am LOGGED IN.
WIFE Thanks god that you have arrived. Have u brought the saree?
HUSBAND BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.
WIFE But I told you about it in the morning.
HUSBAND ERRONEOUS SYNTAX. ABORT, RETRY, CANCEL.
WIFE O my God.... Ok forget it. Tell me where's your salary?
HUSBAND FILE IN USE, READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME TIME.
WIFE At least give me your credit card. So that I can do some shopping.
HUSBAND SHARING VIOLATION. ACCESS DENIED.
WIFE I made a mistake in marrying you.
HUSBAND DATA TYPE MISMATCH.
WIFE You are useless.
HUSBAND BY DEFAULT.
WIFE Who was there in the car with you this morning?
HUSBAND SYSTEM UNSTABLE. PRESS ANY KEY TO REBOOT.
WIFE Ok. leave it. Would you like to have some snacks?
HUSBAND HARD DISK FULL.
WIFE What is the relation between you and your receptionist?
HUSBAND THE ONLY USER WITH RIGHT PERMISSION.
WIFE What is my value in your life?
HUSBAND UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED!!!
WIFE Do you love me or your computer?
HUSBAND TOO MANY PARAMETERS.
WIFE I will go to my dadâs house!!!
HUSBAND PROGRAMME PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION. IT WILL
CLOSE.
WIFE I will leave you for ever!!!
HUSBAND CLOSE ALL PROGRAMMES AND LOG IN FOR ANOTHER
USER.
WIFE It is worthless talking to you husband. Shut down the computer.
WIFE I am going.
HUSBAND ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.
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- n/a6 - 01-01-2005
Doctor A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.
Boss Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Tears The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by
feminine power.
Atomic Bomb An invention to end all inventions.
Rumor News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Classic A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Marriage It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.
Father A banker provided by nature.
Politician One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
Diplomat A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Etc A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Committee Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit together to decide that nothing can be done.
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