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+--- Thread: Time for Jokes (/thread-time-for-jokes)
Time for Jokes - ibrishah - 09-28-2005
<b>LITTLE BOY LOST</b>
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
<b>MARRIED 3 TIMES</b>
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking
partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating
poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
<b>SLEEPING LIKE</b> A BABY Here's a joke that reflects on the sad status of the NASDAQ in 2000.
Here's hoping it regains some of it's losses in 2001........
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs
frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a
couple of hours."
<b>THE BEST PATIENTS</b> Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
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<b>Monkey Signs</b>
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
[email protected]
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that Rs. 50 I owe you."
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of AAA vs. the Govt, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
How accountants do it...
Accountants do it by the book.
Accountants do it within budget.
Accountants do it to the bottom line.
Accountants do it with double entries.
Accountants do it between spreadsheets.
Accountants are Chartered to do it in Public.
Accountants do it without losing their balance.
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Avari Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Sherrton Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young accountant who was fresh out of PwC (A.F Ferguson), "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Accountant said, "In the neighborhood of Rs.50,000 a month, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, full medical and dental, Company Retirement Fund to 50% of salary, Executive Share Option Scheme, Profit Related Pay and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a 5 series BMW?"
The Accountant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
How many accountants does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to file the paperwork.
- iahmad - 09-29-2005
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
- Moon - 09-29-2005
Ahmed i think you spend your time in finding these jokes for the forum.
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If you are a politician then you are a lier, but if you are a lier you may not be a politician!
- ibrishah - 09-30-2005
Thats too great Iahmad. I appreciate how u presented the accountants and ofcourse Moon cant not left u in such time when u are talking against accountants as I have observed.
Dont mind Moon but it is fact.
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It takes a minute to find a special person, a hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them
- iahmad - 09-30-2005
Ibri i am Also a Chartered Accountant, i can't saying any thing about the Accountants, these are just the Jokes.
- ibrishah - 09-30-2005
I know that Mr. Iahmad. That was just appreciation of ur jokes. nothing more.
Prays makes the Future
Ibri
http//www.ibrishah.4t.com
It takes a minute to find a special person, a hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them