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+--- Thread: Jokes!! (/thread-jokes)
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Jokes!! - KK - 02-05-2003
A Chartered Accountant and a Cost Accountant are seated next to each other
on a flight from Karachi to Islamabad. The ACMA asks CA if he would like to
play a game. The CA, who's tired (from work) and just wants to take a nap,
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
ACMA persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me 500, and
vice versa." Again, the CA declines and tries to get some sleep. The ACMA,
now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me 500, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 5000." This catches the CA's
attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless he
plays, he agrees to the game.
The ACMA asks the first question "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?" The CA doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a 500
bill, and hands it to the ACMA. "Okay," says the ACMA, "it's your turn."
He asks the ACMA, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with
four legs?"
The ACMA, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references--no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Net and the Library--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to
all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the CA
and hands him 5000.
The CA says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The ACMA, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the CA and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the CA reaches into his wallet, hands the ACMA 500, and goes
back to sleep.
KK.
- KK - 02-05-2003
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
KK.
- KK - 02-08-2003
NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle.
The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything
to make sure that things are fine. However, on the day of our launch,
something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never
took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because
they could not figure out the problem. Finally, there was a Desi
scientist who offered to help. NASA people were desperate by that time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 90 degrees to the right" said the Desi scientist.
The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Desi said. The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said.
And surprise, the rocket took off
and flew into outer space! Everybody congratulated him and asked him how
he knew what to do.
He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with
our CD70 motorcycles in Pakistan "
- KK - 02-11-2003
His Dying Wishes
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his accountant. "I want to become an accountant. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"
"It's 50,000," the accountant said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become an accountant?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his accounts degree. His accountant was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the accountant leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a accounts degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less accountant..."
- KK - 02-15-2003
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson
"To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up."
- KK - 02-15-2003
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to feel quite warm. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson
1) "Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy."
2) "Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend."
3) "And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth
shut!"
- KK - 02-17-2003
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
- KK - 02-17-2003
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
- KK - 02-17-2003
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
- KK - 02-21-2003
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young accountant who was fresh out of PwC, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Accountant said, "In the neighborhood of £50,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, full medical and dental, Company Retirement Fund to 50% of salary, Executive Share Option Scheme, Profit Related Pay and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a 5 series BMW?"
The Accountant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
- KK - 02-21-2003
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
- KK - 02-25-2003
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who
were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be confident that if any mischief
occurred in their town, their two young
sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were
at their wit's end as to what to
do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining
children in the past, so they contacted him, and he
agreed to give it his best shot. He
asked to see the boys individually, so the
eight-year-old was sent to meet with him
first.
The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated
the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the
clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS
GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly
home, and slammed himself in his
closet. His older brother followed him into the closet
and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and
they think we did it!"
- KK - 03-01-2003
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd - If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which graze and says - All right.
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says - You have exactly 1586 sheep here.
The shepherd answers - That's correct, you can have your sheep. The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me? The young man answers Yes, why not.
The shepherd says - You are an Arthur Anderson consultant! How did you know? asks the young man. Very simple, answers the shepherd First you come here without being called. Second, you charge me, to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!
- KK - 03-01-2003
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
- KK - 03-04-2003
New Rules For Articleship
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 800 to 810, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 810 to 820 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
PARTNER