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+--- Thread: JOKES (/thread-jokes--5300)
JOKES - rabia-k - 01-14-2009
hi guys here are some famous accounting jokes.
<b>A CA WIFE</b>
When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.
She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.
Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget.
She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. âNo my darling, I am the auditor.â I fail to see the light.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed.
She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it.
I am worried.
Not a long time back my brotherâs wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that
external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.
When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material
when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.
She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet.Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I canât get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??
I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.
Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26...valuation of intangible assets.
So guys please think twice....should u really marry a CA? And yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!
<b>Cow Economics</b>
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk awayâ¦
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called âCowkimonâ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracyâ¦.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
- ali_boy9 - 01-18-2009
here's one ......
<center><b><u>Hiring an accountant</u></b></center>
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
- Imran - 02-09-2009
On Marriage
⢠Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
⢠At the ****tail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
⢠Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
⢠Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
⢠A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
⢠Young Son Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad That happens in every country, son.
⢠Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
⢠Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
⢠After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
⢠It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
⢠A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
⢠When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife is.
⢠A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, âA billionaire".
⢠God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hamm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
- rabia-k - 02-24-2009
ANSWERS PLEASE
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?
6. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
7. Why is it called building when it is already built?
8. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
9. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
10. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
11. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans ???
12. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???
Get Back to WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- tariqab - 02-24-2009
How to Make Money
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, `Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died.`
Chuck replied, `Well, then just give me my money back.`
The farmer said, `Can`t do that. I went and spent it already.`
Chuck said, `OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.`
The farmer asked, `What ya gonna do with him?`
Chuck said, `I`m going to raffle him off.`
The farmer said, `You can`t raffle off a dead donkey!`
Chuck said, `Sure I can. Watch me. I just won`t tell anybody
he`s dead.`
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, `What
happened with that dead donkey?`
Chuck said, `I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.`
The farmer said, `Didn`t anyone complain?`
Chuck said, `Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back.`
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
Regards
Tariq
- Brohi - 03-04-2009
Thanks for sharing these Jokes....Specially
So guys please think twice....should u really marry a CA? LoL