More jokes for you

[n/a2]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."




I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a London to Glasgow flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Glasgow was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."

"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."


"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.

"Of the bearings you lost."



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

A client had just come in to see his new accountant.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the accountant replied, "I charge £200 to answer three questions."

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the accountant, "And what's your third question?"



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Two final year accounting students walking along, the second one pushing a new bicycle. The first student asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

"A funny thing happened the other day", the second student answers, "I was walking along minding my own business when this freshette rode up on her bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off her clothes and said "Take what you want!!!"

The first student nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fitted."




I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

What is the definition of an accountant?
A Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A Someone who has a loophole named after him.


Q What do accountants do for fun?
A Add the telephone book.



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Q How do you make an accountant laugh?
A Ask for a raise.

Q. How do you drive an accountant insane?
A. Tie him to a chair and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.


I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Q Who was the first accountant?
A Adam. He turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, and raised the first liability.

A There's nothing remotely funny on this page.
Q Are you an accountant?


I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Heard the one about..?

Four professionals - an engineer, a chemist, an accountant, and an IT contractor - were all boasting about how clever their dogs were. The engineer said that his dog could do something really impressive, so the others asked him to show them.

"Set Square, come here" shouted the engineer. "Do your stuff." The dog waltzed over, picked up a ruler and a pencil and drew a perfect square on a piece of paper. The others agreed that this was pretty impressive.

The chemist also said that his dog was very intelligent and offered to show the others.

"Prescription, come here, and do your stuff"

Prescription ran over to the fridge where he took out a bottle of milk. Then he took a 10ml glass and poured the milk into the glass right to the top of the rim, without spilling any. Again, everyone thought this was pretty cool.

The accountant called his dog over; "Spreadsheet, get to work"

Spreadsheet ran into the kitchen and brought out a box of twelve biscuits. He opened the box and divided the biscuits into four piles of three each. The four professionals were suitably impressed.

They turned to the IT contractor and said "What can your dog do?"

The IT contractor called his dog over. "Chargeable, come over here, and get to work." Chargeable ambled over, drank the milk, ate the biscuits, relieved himself on the piece of paper on the floor and mounted the three other dogs. He then presented his bill for £7000, lit a cigar, got into his Lotus and screeched off into the sunset!

Questions and Answers..

Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A. He invites an accountant

Q. What is the difference between a finance director and a shopping trolley?
A. A finance director holds more food and drink.

Q. What is the difference between a football and an accountant?
A. The football goes further when you kick it.

Q. What is an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Final observations..

There are three kinds of accountant in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything, and the value of nothing


I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

Chargeable Hours

A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details.
Peter How old are you?
The accountant 33
Peter That's impossible!
The accountant Why?
Peter I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that your have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97!




I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT

[n/a2]

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."



I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT