06-30-2010, 03:41 PM
I would like to add my views as well...not only my personal view but also my observations and studies as I had been studying 'feminism' and âmarriage counselingâ in great detail since long.
Well, first of all, we must not confuse two different factors...Adjustment and Compromise.
Adjustments are relatively easy to make and should be made wherever necessary. Adjustments include little changes in life n lifestyle without 'hitting' your basic lifestyle. This includes, for example in case of WARDAH, that you are married in a family where walking 'bare footed' is considered very bad manners. Then WARDAH should leave this habbit and 'adjust' herself according to the new environment (as I said before, this is relatively easy).
Compromises are 'big adjustments' that changes your basic lifestyle and these are relatively 'difficult'. This includes, for example, where a modern girl is married to a religious family and she is compelled to wear 'veil' and/or not allowed to go for shopping alone. The same may be vice versa and a religious girl who has been wearing a 'veil' all of her life is married to a family where lifestyle is very modern.
(I have given above examples of a girl but you can imagine examples of similar nature of a male)
In case of 'adjustments' the male or female is willing to leave or adopt something but in case of 'compromises' no one is willing to leave or adopt something but 'have to'. While in love, a male or female might think that he/she will change him/herself but in case of 'compromises' he/she might find it impossible to continue. I personally know a couple where the girl promised to adopt some changes after marriage but later she ccouldn't do that and when asked by her husband that she was told beforehand and was willing to change she said "I didn't know, it would be so difficult, I can't do it".
In my opinion, no one should force his/her partner to change him/herself but they must discuss their personal and family differences so that either party knows what might be expected of him/her. No one can perfectly predict what difficulties he/she might face while adapting to new lifestyle but everyone has a right to know 'everything' before committing to marriage. And we must take it seriously to decide whether we will be able to do what we are promising to do? We must also assess whether our partner will be able to do what he/she is promising to do? and for this, all we need to do is to know the depth of roots of the changes required. Then comes the second part, where one person has agreed to change and he/she did change but is of so basic level that this will make his/her life miserable (he/she might change either in the name of 'love' or in worst case be compelled to do what he/she had promised).
Now, I would like to bring to light the concept of 'understanding'. This is the 'secret ingredient of success'. We must understand our partner, his/her nature, his/her lifestyle, his/her family culture, his/her upbringing and environment etc. While that differs from person to person, there are some factors common to everyone. A girl must understand the nature of the man and vice versa. For example, females tend to value 'time' more than anything. You might have observed that females want more time with her partner. On the contrary, men need some space; he needs to go out with friends, for work or spend time with other members of the family. There is a need that both understand the nature of the opposite 6 and adjust accordingly. A man, while he cannot change his or her nature, should understand the nature of females and should try to spend time with her. The girl, while she also cannot change his or her nature, should also understand the nature of man and give him some space. As a second example I would quote that a man should understand that while his wife has married him and left her whole family behind but naturally she is still more attached with her own family (parents etc.) and should give her some time to accept new relationships. He should not expect from her that oevernight his wife will adopt the new relationships and forget the family with whom she spent her whole life since her childhood. Similarly, the girl should also understand that she 'must' adopt the new relationships of her in-laws and try not to show that she values her parents family more than the new family (although this is a fact and everyone should know that).
At the end, I would add that 'patience' at times play a very vital role in making a relationship successful. One should give his/her partner some time to 'adjust' and he/she should also understand that 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' might take time and he/she needs to be patient. He/she should not get angry because he/she changed but occasionally made some mistake. Similarly many 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' may not be made immediately but given sufficient time, he/she might realize the need for change and with this realization the 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' become easy provided they are given enough time.
Coming to the conclusion, I would say that there are rare chances that there is no agreeable point otherwise there is always a mid-point where both can make some adjustments and live happily.
In my next two posts, I would add one example of âunderstandingâ and one example of âadjustmentsâ vs âcompromisesâ.
Well, first of all, we must not confuse two different factors...Adjustment and Compromise.
Adjustments are relatively easy to make and should be made wherever necessary. Adjustments include little changes in life n lifestyle without 'hitting' your basic lifestyle. This includes, for example in case of WARDAH, that you are married in a family where walking 'bare footed' is considered very bad manners. Then WARDAH should leave this habbit and 'adjust' herself according to the new environment (as I said before, this is relatively easy).
Compromises are 'big adjustments' that changes your basic lifestyle and these are relatively 'difficult'. This includes, for example, where a modern girl is married to a religious family and she is compelled to wear 'veil' and/or not allowed to go for shopping alone. The same may be vice versa and a religious girl who has been wearing a 'veil' all of her life is married to a family where lifestyle is very modern.
(I have given above examples of a girl but you can imagine examples of similar nature of a male)
In case of 'adjustments' the male or female is willing to leave or adopt something but in case of 'compromises' no one is willing to leave or adopt something but 'have to'. While in love, a male or female might think that he/she will change him/herself but in case of 'compromises' he/she might find it impossible to continue. I personally know a couple where the girl promised to adopt some changes after marriage but later she ccouldn't do that and when asked by her husband that she was told beforehand and was willing to change she said "I didn't know, it would be so difficult, I can't do it".
In my opinion, no one should force his/her partner to change him/herself but they must discuss their personal and family differences so that either party knows what might be expected of him/her. No one can perfectly predict what difficulties he/she might face while adapting to new lifestyle but everyone has a right to know 'everything' before committing to marriage. And we must take it seriously to decide whether we will be able to do what we are promising to do? We must also assess whether our partner will be able to do what he/she is promising to do? and for this, all we need to do is to know the depth of roots of the changes required. Then comes the second part, where one person has agreed to change and he/she did change but is of so basic level that this will make his/her life miserable (he/she might change either in the name of 'love' or in worst case be compelled to do what he/she had promised).
Now, I would like to bring to light the concept of 'understanding'. This is the 'secret ingredient of success'. We must understand our partner, his/her nature, his/her lifestyle, his/her family culture, his/her upbringing and environment etc. While that differs from person to person, there are some factors common to everyone. A girl must understand the nature of the man and vice versa. For example, females tend to value 'time' more than anything. You might have observed that females want more time with her partner. On the contrary, men need some space; he needs to go out with friends, for work or spend time with other members of the family. There is a need that both understand the nature of the opposite 6 and adjust accordingly. A man, while he cannot change his or her nature, should understand the nature of females and should try to spend time with her. The girl, while she also cannot change his or her nature, should also understand the nature of man and give him some space. As a second example I would quote that a man should understand that while his wife has married him and left her whole family behind but naturally she is still more attached with her own family (parents etc.) and should give her some time to accept new relationships. He should not expect from her that oevernight his wife will adopt the new relationships and forget the family with whom she spent her whole life since her childhood. Similarly, the girl should also understand that she 'must' adopt the new relationships of her in-laws and try not to show that she values her parents family more than the new family (although this is a fact and everyone should know that).
At the end, I would add that 'patience' at times play a very vital role in making a relationship successful. One should give his/her partner some time to 'adjust' and he/she should also understand that 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' might take time and he/she needs to be patient. He/she should not get angry because he/she changed but occasionally made some mistake. Similarly many 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' may not be made immediately but given sufficient time, he/she might realize the need for change and with this realization the 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' become easy provided they are given enough time.
Coming to the conclusion, I would say that there are rare chances that there is no agreeable point otherwise there is always a mid-point where both can make some adjustments and live happily.
In my next two posts, I would add one example of âunderstandingâ and one example of âadjustmentsâ vs âcompromisesâ.
