Adjustment after marriage.....................

[bizmen]

Example of Understanding

It has been observed in many cases that the girl mostly talks about her family, either on her own or in comparison with others. A man, while he may not like this habit, should ‘understand’ that she has spent her entire life with those people and she loves to talk about them. He should not be angry about this. On the other hand the girl should understand that her family is her family not the family of her husband. He might like her to talk about his family more. She should try not to talk too much about her family so that her husband starts feeling it and should occasionally talk about in favour of his family as well. When both genders ‘understand’ these facts, they reach a mid-point where both are happy and supportive.

[bizmen]

‘Adjustments’ vs ‘Compromises’

I would quote a typical example of Smoking habit of men. We most often hear a girl say ‘tum mere liye itna nahee kar sakte?’. O kuriye, jo tumhare liye itna sa hai woh zaroori nahee keh us ke liye bhee itna sa ho. Agar, larki yeh kahe keh tum smoking kam karo, ya ghar mein mat karo, ya mere samne mat karo to yeh shayed mard ke liye ‘adjustment’ ho aur woh aisa kar sakega. Lekin agar larki kahe keh tum bilkul smoking chor do to agar yeh mard ki habit hai to shayed aisa us ke liye zyada mushkil na ho lekin agar shoq hai to zyada mushkil hoga, in both cases, it might be classified as ‘compromise’. Ya to woh is baat ko nahee mane ga ya phir jhoot bole ga keh chor diya hai. Museebat yeh keh mard sara din be shak smoking na kare lekin ghar jane se pehle zaroor kare ga kyon keh use pata hai ghar mein nahee kar sake ga and paband ho jayega. Aur larki ko salan jalne ki smell be shak na aye, tobacco ki smell zaroor ajati hai chahe munh se ho ya dress se. Now in this particular example, the mid-point is to make ‘adjustments’. Mard ko bhi samajhna chahiye keh meri wife ko pasand nahee hai is liye ya to smoking ke effects kabhi wife tak na pohanchne de ya phir totally chor de, it depends. Larki ko bhee samajhna chahiye keh shayed woh totally smoking ko na chor sake is liye kuch adjustment woh bhi kar le keh agar use husband ke pocket mein kisi din lighter nazar aye to is baat ko ignore kar de and ise issue na banaye. Warna jhoot bolne ki aur chup kar koi kaam karne ki aadat to woh khud use daal rahi hai.

[bizmen]

Kasim, in your case, if the ‘adjustments’ or ‘compromises’ are required of you, you must consider the nature of these ‘adjustments’ or ‘compromises’. Can you really do that? And if these are required from the other side then you must not merely rely on her promises. Analyze the differences and then make a decision. In many cases, while in love, promises are made without realizing that they might be serious, be fulfilled and might change the entire life. When promises are made, they are not always ‘meant to be’ or not always thought over seriously.

[crazybuoy]

Family, Friends and Houseguests.
Couples need to decide how often family and friends will be invited over and how much time they’ll spend socializing because people often have very different expectations of what’s appropriate. He may not want your mother staying with you for two weeks at a time and you may not want his old frat buddies taking over the living room. So speak up early and establish your family boundaries.

“You have to make a decision that, if I’m going to get married, my family has to take second place, and you have to say that, they take second place. If you are not willing to put your family and friends second, then you’re not ready to get married,” says Judge Lynn Toler, from the show Divorce Courtand now on the new show Decision House.

Money Matters.
Money can be a sensitive issue, and we all need to figure out how to handle our savings, debts, investments and incomes. For some a joint account works fine, but for others, keeping your money separate or having a joint and separate account can be the key to staying together. Ideally we should figure out what system would be best before getting married.
Another key to financial happiness is full disclosure. That means you can’t hide your massive credit card debt and he needs to own up to any spending sprees as well. Because even if your money is in separate accounts, you’re still a team and one person’s actions affect the other.

Your First Fight.
It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as your first dance or first kiss, but the first major fight is bound to happen and is just as, if not more, important to your marriage, because it will set the tone for how you handle future conflicts.

“The problem that most married couples run into is that they say [what’s bothering them] when they’re angry. Never discuss serious issues in the heat of the moment, wait until later when everything’s fine and say ‘this is how I felt when that happened,’” Judge Toler says. “If it gets so heated that everybody’s yelling, you have to make an agreement that the argument will stop because it’s just not doing anything for you.”

Nobody ever said marriage was easy, but we can all make the transition go much smoother if we’re willing to compromise. And to give us all a little perspective, these married women offer their advice for newlyweds
“Be patient. Try to remember why you got married and the feelings you felt when you first got married,” Kimberley, married 25 years, says.

“[Your partner] stays the same and the relationship stays the same. Things you like about the person you like more, and things that bother you bother you more. If you go into the marriage thinking that will somehow be different, you put unnecessary pressure on the relationship,” Melissa, married seven months, says.

“There is no such thing as happily ever after. There’s good times and bad, but don’t expect to be happy all the time. People that expect to be happy all the time get disappointed a lot and get divorced early,” Judge Toler says.

[bizmen]

Self Respect

I do believe keh self respect is always there irrespective of the emotional, teen agers, love birds standards keh jo bhi hai humara hai na keh mera ya tumhara. For example, if a girl asks permission for something and the man denies that. The girl might ask ‘why?’. Now if the man gives her a reason, that’s fine but if he says ‘because I said so’ then I think keh us ne larki ki self respect ko majrooh kiya. Similarly, if a girl asks for something or permission for something in front of others, he might be affecting her self respect by denying to give permission or give something. But yeh mostly nature of relation par depend karta hai. For example if a girl asks for money in front of others and he denies or asks ‘what for?’ he may or may not be hitting her self respect depending on the situation, environment or nature of relationship with those others. Larki ko normally in-laws ke samne denial itna feel nahee hota jitna keh us ke makay walon keh samne because she naturally wishes to prove to her family how much her husband takes care of her and fulfills all her wishes.

[bizmen]

This topic has a lot of potential and discussion can be never ending. In my opinion, not only on this topic but in every walk of life, one should seek guidance from Quran and Sunnah. It is very shameful for us that we seek advice of our friends, common books and journals but never turn to Islam for guidance even though we know that nothing else can guide us better. Islam has very clearly and beautifully explained the criterion for selection of life partner and their relationship, duties and rights. In selection more emphasis is on ‘Taqwah’ and ‘Care for family’. In one hadith it has been mentioned that a man marries a woman for many reasons and the best reason for selection of wife should be her ‘Taqwah’. In another hadith a certain clan of the tribe Quraish has been mentioned for having the best women as they are more loving and kind to their children and more protective of her and her husband’s belongings (means to select the one who would prove best not only for you but also for your children and family). Keeping this in mind, one should consider not only his own wishes, likes and dislikes but also how that selection will affect the children and other family members. I recommend that you should read the book titled ‘Together Forever’ written by Faiz Sayal. While I might not agree with the entire contents of the book, the book beautifully compiles relationships of the couple and their families before engagement, after engagement and after marriage, with references to Islam.

[Kasim]

thanx bizmen for all ur posts
though it was late reply but was impressive
btw i have already made and communicated my decision in this context
regards

[bizmen]

Aray itni jaldi!!!

Late reply is liye kiya keh mein un dinon busy tha jab aap ne post kiya and later mujhe topic nazar nahee aya, jab nazar aya tu usee din mein ne reply kar diya.

Anyway, whatever is your decision, May Allah (SWT) bless you and make it the Best Decision for you...Amen!

[bizmen]

crazybuoy everyone has his own perspective but I feel that these advises are more westeranized. Our culture is very different from them and we have our own tone of expressing anger and love. Joint account or separate account is not something we discuss before marriage in our society nor do we set boundaries for families.

Having said that, I do understand that I may be totally wrong and this might only be MY perspective. For me, the most important of all factors is 'love' with 'caring and understanding'. If you love, you care and you understand...everything can be settled.

[WARDAH]

agreed with biz "the most imp of all factors is 'love' with caring and understaing' if u luv,u care and u understand. . .everything can be settled n more over is sb k liey wqt drkaar hota hai as jaldi ka kaam shaitan ka kaam hota hai.her relation ko janny thek sy smjhny k liey wqt drkar hota hai bus trust qaim rehna chahye as bhrosa hi her rishty ki bunyaad hoti hai.

[ciapk]

Bt what i will say k females ko smjnay ki koshish mt krain as they are quite unpredictable, so just love them a lot. and female should try to understand her counter part.