Accountancy Jokes

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:39 AM

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test.

First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her.

The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent.

Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:46 AM

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors.

"We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:47 AM

On a sunny afternoon three accountants are standing near a tall pole and wondering about the height of the pole. First accountant, a CPA says, I do not think there is any authoritative guidance on how measure the height of a pole, that is not the job of accountants.

Second accountant, a professor at a state university says, well, if we take a survey of similar locations and asked people about the height of poles, then we may be able to deduce height of this pole, it will be a good enough estimate.

The third accountant is a professor at an Ivy league university. He confidently claims, if we measure the shadow of the pole under different conditions, then I can run a multivariate regression model and can give a very good estimate of the height.

As this conservation is going on, an engineer is passing by, he stops and asks about their discussion. Accountants tell him, you probably can not understand this complex problem. The engineer persists and hears about the problem. He smiles, lifts the pole from the base, measures it, and says, "twelve feet and three inches," and walks off.

Accountants look at him, laugh contemptuously and say in unison - "hell, we wanted to know the height of the pole and he tells us the length."

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:50 AM

Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
____________________________________________________

How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
____________________________________________________

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
___________________________________________________

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:52 AM

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 06:53 AM

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."

"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

AvgJoe · 01-03-2005, 07:02 AM

man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.

The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.

"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you"

AvgJoe · 01-05-2005, 08:39 AM

Well....Guys dont u like accountancy jokes? Or is it that forum members are just too fed up of "general" jokes posted or rather flooded by maani & swalat?

Commom ppl, Post some more accountancy jokes atleast! My personal favourite was the one about the CA, MBA & the tent (which is there on another topic). But I am anxiously waiting to read some more accountancy jokes posted by u ppl.

n/a5 · 01-05-2005, 09:04 AM

Hi Mr. AvgJoe I read your all jokes almost twice a time all because there are really enormous good. Its contain ambiguous type of meaning, thanks for sharing such a nice jokes with you, I also refer your post to many of my friends, when ever I would get any accountancy joke, I would like to share with you
Bye take care has a nice day
With regards

HEART BEATS ( try try again )

n/a5 · 01-05-2005, 09:06 AM

Hi Mr. AvgJoe I read your all jokes almost twice a time all because there are really enormous good. Its contain ambiguous type of meaning, thanks for sharing such a nice jokes with us, I also refer your post to many of my friends, when ever I would get any accountancy joke, I would like to share with you
Bye take care has a nice day
With regards

HEART BEATS ( try try again )

derivativetrader · 01-05-2005, 09:17 AM

Sorry guys don't have many Accountancy jokes but since this forum has recently welcomed 'wanna be' actuaries so I guess I should entertain them with following few Actuarial Jokes (Non- wanna be actuaries are ofcourse also welcome to entertain themselves)

1. What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
Ans. Ac actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.
Or
An accountant is someone who wanted to be an actuary, but didn't have the personality for it.

2. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans. How many did it take last year.

3. A farmer asks an actuary to count his sheep and the actuary very quickly replies '1007' - 'How did you count them so quickly?' 'Well, there are roughly thousand in those fields over there, and seven in this field here'.

4. Definition of a computer An actuary with a heart.

5. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

6. An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway!

7. An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... ".

8. Question Why don't actuaries read novels? Answer The only numbers in them are page numbers.

9. The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview. To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm. The CEO immediately says "ok, I'll take him". When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "but on the other hand..."

10. An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost. The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what's left in the guy's pocket.

Hope you enjoy my contribution.

DT

n/a5 · 01-05-2005, 09:19 AM

Ask for salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

HEART BEATS ( try try again )

farazthegreat · 01-05-2005, 01:41 PM

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

farazthegreat · 01-05-2005, 01:43 PM

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.