Personal question...

BOB · 02-01-2005, 04:31 PM

Hi everyone.

I'm sat in my dad's study typing this message. I should be at home, at my own desk, in my small little house... but instead I am here, in my dad's house which is about 8 times larger than my own...

What's going on? Why am I here?

Two months ago my wife had an affair. We tried to get through it. We have five children between us, have been married six years, and despite everything we still feel really strongly for one another...

I told you this was a personal question!

I'm turning it into a debate for us guys here in the philosophy forum. Not so much about my own situation, but more generally, about the subject of faithfulness and lifelong partnership...

Is it possible to have a single partner your whole life? Is it right? Are we humans built for it? Is unfaithfulness something we should just expect in a relationship? What about open relationships? (We tried it, and failed) Has anyone else tried it? Made it work? Are humans supposed to sleep around?

I left today because she wont give the other guy up as a "friend". Friend my arse. I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing. I can't stay...

Do all relationships go this way in the end? Are there people out there who can genuinely be faithful their whole lives?

Personally yours,

~ BOB.

ali zeeshan · 02-01-2005, 04:39 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>Quote by BOB
Is it possible to have a single partner your whole life? <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
Of course. You hear about it all the time. It just may not be possible for you and your wife
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>Is it right? <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
Right for who, you, your wife (maybe not from the sounds of it), your parents, her parents, your children, her children, your community?

I don't know the answers to these questions. Different circumstances call for different measures.
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote> Are we humans built for it? Is unfaithfulness something we should just expect in a relationship? <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
This is obvious but loyalty, bonding, personality and sexual appetite does vary across people. Some couples should not enter into a monogamous relationship.
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote> What about open relationships? (We tried it, and failed) Has anyone else tried it? Made it work? Are humans supposed to sleep around?<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
Only been married once. A somewhat similar story. My wife wanted to have a "friend" among other things; I was not willing to accommodate her. I just wish I had known this before I had married her. Anyway we were on good terms for awhile and after 0.5 years I now realize that she was an awful person. I have no idea why I wanted to marry her in the first place. I'm not saying that your wife is the same, just relating a bit of my story.
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>I left today because she wont give the other guy up as a "friend". Friend my arse. I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing. I can't stay... <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
Only time will tell.
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>quote<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>Do all relationships go this way in the end? Are there people out there who can genuinely be faithful their whole lives? <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>

There certainly are people that remain married their whole lives, but I don't know about faithful for their entire lives. I know of several couples like that. I think the trick is to remain married for so long that whatever the differences or passions they have either worn down or don't matter anymore and the force of habit takes over.

If you and your wife are game and of an experimental nature there are a few things that you might want to look into. I have heard of new techniques of assessing the longevity of marriage that is over 80% accurate in predicting if the couple will divorce within five years. Before you go to all the trouble of divorcing or trying to patch it up with your wife you might give it a try to see what they say. I have a brother that is going through a similar experience as well but he had married and divorced his x four times. It could have saved him a boatload of money and trouble if he figured out what was going to happen to his marriage the first time he divorced. There are also so-called compatibility tests that measure your personality on several dimensions. eHarmony has one online that you can take for free. What would be interesting is for you and your wife to take the test and see if it would match you up. Who knows you might just find someone that you would be more than willing to leave your wife for.

something is missing

Edited by - ali zeeshan on Feb 01 2005 114011 AM

Desert Sleet · 02-01-2005, 09:25 PM

Yes, BOB, Hang in there.

No need to take hasty decisions. The fact that she knows you know will give her pause, and possibly help her to sort out her own thoughts and feelings. Hopefully that will make for a more productive discussion when the time comes.

Keep the faith that because you are at the bottom, the only way forward will be up, eventually. I know that every second seems a minute in disguise.

I lost a year-older brother at 24 and a son. I've been fired from a job where I was overwhelmed with duties not in the job description when I applied. I've been floor-ridden with a bad back so severe I had to do everything (get it?) where I lay. I lived 6 months on the road stone broke and scavanging black-market jobs to buy food; forget shelter, I took anything out of the rain.

It all got better, each time. The strength lies within you. We are all tougher than we think. Push has comes to shove in your life, and right now you have to endure and let your mind sort it out. It will. Focus on those five innocent children and do nothing to make the jolt harder on them. Being a good dad right now, in the middle of your grief, is simply the right thing for those even more exposed than you. But don't play her off against you in their hearts.

It'll be tough, but worth it, when time starts to heal you. The more decent you can be even as the wronged partner, the stronger and better off you be in the future. You have years and years left, which will be good ones. Accept this year as your personal trial. Keep in focus that millions have been here before, and made very good recoveries. Find you strength and your best nature, but don't play the martyr. Seek out friends who you know have been through this in their life, ones who you admire now for who they are in the aftermath.

Endure and grow and love those kids.

Abraham Lincoln, who suffered from depression, once said "Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional."

If you aren't getting the strength you need from any religion you practice. You may want to seek out a therapist, not because you are wrong in the head, but because they have a lot of experience with all of this, and may have tips for coping strategies that will help you go forward. You brought your problem to us, which means you are open enough to seek help and not gut it out alone and in the dark.
No need to take hasty decisions.

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If I could... Then I would... Turn back time!!