Adjustment after marriage.....................

[Kasim]

i was really thinking about this issue these days and was to write topic on it

but <b>bizmen</b> write same issue in anyother topic so here is the topic in his own wording for ur comments (thanx for giving such clear expression to my thoughts bizmen buddy)

Many people know the differences of likes and choices but they make the mistake of being emotional that "I will adjust" or "(S)he will adjust".

In most of the cases, these adjustments are never made. In some cases, the adjustments are made but for how long? and with how much mental pressure?

Seriously, to think of changing yourself or the otherself may prove to be the biggest mistake.

comments plz

[WARDAH]

hmmmm!!!

[cute-doll]

Agreed Kasim

[Kasim]

To elaborate the topic to some extent I wish to add few questions of my own in main topic

Is it fair for a male expecting a female to change her self completely to great extent only for being accepted with in his family only because he loves/likes her and want her to be his life partner?

Or should a male accept a lady as she is without requiring her any amendments in herself? Not an easy task for a male I think so.

What will be and should be reaction of the lady upon this expectation of adjustment by her hubby? Normally it is said it’s the lady who has to change herself according to her in laws’ and husband’s expectations after the marriage.

Would it be better for both the parties’ (future hubby and wife) to discuss and have some sort of agreement in this regard before the marriage? So later on they do know what other party is expecting/ not expecting from her/him.
And so that later on lady may not complaint k abb main nay aisa kia ker dia? Tum her waqt mijh pay gussa kiyoun kertay rehtay hoooo blaah blaah

Or

One may not marry with some one (at all) whom he knows if not changed after the marriage will cause problems for him, his family, her and her family too as nature is not easy to be altered.


i have posted the topic but still have many more relevent questions to ask and also to put some clearity in my point of view , anyway will ask later if required then.

so u people comment now
<b>you may consider it my personal issue so plz contribute well</b>

regards

[Sh.Mohsin]

Well KASIM...
the topic you started is very much realistic and this must be debated among all the members of the forum.
I THINK SO,
In the case of Love marriage, compulosry adjustment is required from male to secure the family relations and realising others that we are the perfect match.
In the case of arranged marriage, compulsory adjustment is required from female to secure the relation with her husbent by loving and caring.

[Anamz1]

Well I have red it overall not in detail, but would like to say that One should try to understand other before expecting.

[WARDAH]

add to mohsin line in case of luv marriage cumpulsary adjustment from male n female both to. . . .
baqi agree with mohsins comments.

[BARBIE]

Personally speaking!I can adjust myself according to the wits of my Sweet Love!!!N I think,first both the partners should try to understand each other.And I feel a kind of happiness when I fulfill his desires. and adjust myself according to his wishes though he never asks for it or compells me.Thats the power of Love!

[WARDAH]

very true barbie. . .same as with me.thanx to give words to my feelings, mujhy smjh ni arha tha how to share.

[Kasim]

wardah sorry i didnt get u
though u have totally agreed with barbie
but ur image i have in my mind makes me bit confused
do u want to say k u will alter urself according to desires of ur love/person u marry regardless whether he ask/compell u or not.
and if u do so then up to what extent?
sorry me getting personal but u know the reason as i have already told u that

[ciapk]

I think i have said something that, " A wife is not a wife unless she understads waht her husbend is not saying and a husbend is not a husbend unless he understand what her wife is not saying. So, jb husbend and wife aik dosray ki majobrion ko smjnay ki koshish he nai krain, ya agr smjtay hoay b na smjain tu buhat mushkil ho jata hay, baqqi raha compromise, 90% cases main females he krti hain chahay love marriage ho ya arrange male km he krtay hain. so what i think k males ko b flexible hona chahyay or aik limit define honi chahyay k this is the life line for both so never try to cross such defined line baqi sb mamlat pyar mohabat sy hal hojatay hain kbi bat maan k kbi mnwa k bt in polite, logical and lovely way.

[WARDAH]

again my ans is of barbie, yup!! according to his desires accept one (n that one is quite personal so i cant share here). . .what to say more?? n also agree with ciapk.

[ciapk]

hmmmm another think there may be no compromise on self respect but what i feel husband or wife ki apsa main koi self respect nahi hoti coz un dono ki respect collectively hoti hy. so agr dono aik dosray sy had sy ziada pyar krta hain tu phr anna, n self respect jaisi fazool chezain drmyan main nai atin.

[WARDAH]

yup ye bhi khob kahi.aisa hi hai or aisa hi hona bhi chahye.

[bizmen]

I would like to add my views as well...not only my personal view but also my observations and studies as I had been studying 'feminism' and ‘marriage counseling’ in great detail since long.

Well, first of all, we must not confuse two different factors...Adjustment and Compromise.
Adjustments are relatively easy to make and should be made wherever necessary. Adjustments include little changes in life n lifestyle without 'hitting' your basic lifestyle. This includes, for example in case of WARDAH, that you are married in a family where walking 'bare footed' is considered very bad manners. Then WARDAH should leave this habbit and 'adjust' herself according to the new environment (as I said before, this is relatively easy).

Compromises are 'big adjustments' that changes your basic lifestyle and these are relatively 'difficult'. This includes, for example, where a modern girl is married to a religious family and she is compelled to wear 'veil' and/or not allowed to go for shopping alone. The same may be vice versa and a religious girl who has been wearing a 'veil' all of her life is married to a family where lifestyle is very modern.

(I have given above examples of a girl but you can imagine examples of similar nature of a male)

In case of 'adjustments' the male or female is willing to leave or adopt something but in case of 'compromises' no one is willing to leave or adopt something but 'have to'. While in love, a male or female might think that he/she will change him/herself but in case of 'compromises' he/she might find it impossible to continue. I personally know a couple where the girl promised to adopt some changes after marriage but later she ccouldn't do that and when asked by her husband that she was told beforehand and was willing to change she said "I didn't know, it would be so difficult, I can't do it".

In my opinion, no one should force his/her partner to change him/herself but they must discuss their personal and family differences so that either party knows what might be expected of him/her. No one can perfectly predict what difficulties he/she might face while adapting to new lifestyle but everyone has a right to know 'everything' before committing to marriage. And we must take it seriously to decide whether we will be able to do what we are promising to do? We must also assess whether our partner will be able to do what he/she is promising to do? and for this, all we need to do is to know the depth of roots of the changes required. Then comes the second part, where one person has agreed to change and he/she did change but is of so basic level that this will make his/her life miserable (he/she might change either in the name of 'love' or in worst case be compelled to do what he/she had promised).

Now, I would like to bring to light the concept of 'understanding'. This is the 'secret ingredient of success'. We must understand our partner, his/her nature, his/her lifestyle, his/her family culture, his/her upbringing and environment etc. While that differs from person to person, there are some factors common to everyone. A girl must understand the nature of the man and vice versa. For example, females tend to value 'time' more than anything. You might have observed that females want more time with her partner. On the contrary, men need some space; he needs to go out with friends, for work or spend time with other members of the family. There is a need that both understand the nature of the opposite 6 and adjust accordingly. A man, while he cannot change his or her nature, should understand the nature of females and should try to spend time with her. The girl, while she also cannot change his or her nature, should also understand the nature of man and give him some space. As a second example I would quote that a man should understand that while his wife has married him and left her whole family behind but naturally she is still more attached with her own family (parents etc.) and should give her some time to accept new relationships. He should not expect from her that oevernight his wife will adopt the new relationships and forget the family with whom she spent her whole life since her childhood. Similarly, the girl should also understand that she 'must' adopt the new relationships of her in-laws and try not to show that she values her parents family more than the new family (although this is a fact and everyone should know that).

At the end, I would add that 'patience' at times play a very vital role in making a relationship successful. One should give his/her partner some time to 'adjust' and he/she should also understand that 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' might take time and he/she needs to be patient. He/she should not get angry because he/she changed but occasionally made some mistake. Similarly many 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' may not be made immediately but given sufficient time, he/she might realize the need for change and with this realization the 'adjustments' and/or 'compromises' become easy provided they are given enough time.

Coming to the conclusion, I would say that there are rare chances that there is no agreeable point otherwise there is always a mid-point where both can make some adjustments and live happily.

In my next two posts, I would add one example of ‘understanding’ and one example of ‘adjustments’ vs ‘compromises’.