01-14-2009, 06:58 PM
hi guys here are some famous accounting jokes.
<b>A CA WIFE</b>
When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.
She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.
Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget.
She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. âNo my darling, I am the auditor.â I fail to see the light.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed.
She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it.
I am worried.
Not a long time back my brotherâs wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that
external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.
When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material
when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.
She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet.Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I canât get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??
I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.
Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26...valuation of intangible assets.
So guys please think twice....should u really marry a CA? And yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!
<b>Cow Economics</b>
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk awayâ¦
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called âCowkimonâ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracyâ¦.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
<b>A CA WIFE</b>
When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.
She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.
Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget.
She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. âNo my darling, I am the auditor.â I fail to see the light.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed.
She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it.
I am worried.
Not a long time back my brotherâs wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that
external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.
When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material
when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.
She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet.Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I canât get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??
I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.
Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26...valuation of intangible assets.
So guys please think twice....should u really marry a CA? And yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!
<b>Cow Economics</b>
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk awayâ¦
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called âCowkimonâ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracyâ¦.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
